


Life Sucks

by Noodles4Life



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aburame revolution, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Creeper Sasuke, Cussing, Cynical Naruto, Emotionally Constipated Naruto, Emotionally attached Minato, Everyone Is Alive, Grumpy Naruto, Iruka thinks he's a mommy, Kakashi is so done with everybody's shit, M/M, Perversion, Perverted Sasuke, Possessive Behavior, Sai is Sai, Shikamaru just wants to sleep, This is crack, What Have I Done, lots of cussing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-02-09 15:58:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1989006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noodles4Life/pseuds/Noodles4Life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Honestly, How was it that all the crazy shit happened to him? Having to live with both an insane back-from-the-dead father and the creepy Emo-king ex-teammate who has a staring problem is bad enou- What the hell is Sakura doing?!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which Naruto has a bad day

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: This story contains some violence, Sarcastic!Cynicalish!Naruto, swearing, and probably smut in the near future...no definitely smut in the near future...and this is crack...like serious crack....  
> Disclaimer: I will never own Naruto ever, ever, ever...ever...

Today had to be the worst day of his life.

It started out perfectly normal too.

He had been minding his own damn business, not-so-quietly mocking the villagers that still believed him to be the hellish spawn of Kyuubi, which never ceased to baffle him after he saved the day with the whole battle with Nagato/Pein shit. (Never mind that many originally died, the village was pretty much destroyed, and he almost released Kyuubi). –Psh details, details. It all pretty much worked out in the end.

Kind of.

Anyways, Sure it got to a point where their crap didn't even faze him anymore. Even when they went out into the world to spread word of their wise, kind, tree hugging ways, claiming that their Will of Fire burned like that of a thousand suns.

No, what really pissed him off and turned his day to shit was the fact that his supposedly dead "Hero" of a father decided to come back from the grave because obviously he was so stupid that he couldn't even stay dead the right way.

He freaked the fuck out when he woke up to the older male- _who was supposed to be dead, dead, **dead**_ \- trying to shove breakfast down his throat, all while beaming with a disturbing amount of enthusiasm.

Of course, being the rational and intelligent being that he was, he decided to do what any self-respecting shinobi would do when faced with an intruder. He hurled a bunch of sharp pointy shit at him then tried to _Rasengan_ the bastard to death.

Key word, **tried**.

It was kind of hard to attack the person who made the only super awesome A-rank technique he frequently used. So he wasn't too surprised when he found himself flying through his thankfully open window due to a swift kick to his torso from said person.

Luckily, he landed on the roof of a home across the street who belonged to the ever bitchy Mrs. Kubetsu, which thankfully wasn't too far of a distance.

Unfortunately, his blood relation's brain seemed to catch up on what happened and lunged at him while making a sound that Naruto vaguely remembered hearing from Tora when the wife of the Fire Daimyō gave it the hug of death.

As if reading his mind, Minato did exactly that. Naruto silently prayed to Gods he didn’t believe in as he slowly suffocated in his father’s tight embrace.

Thankfully, help finally came just as he started seeing black spots in his vision.

Kakashi, who was the first to show up at his apartment due to a complaint about the noise level from one of his stuck up neighbors, mercifully rescued him…after he stared blankly at Minato for a solid five minutes.

Once the older blond realized just who was staring at him, he released Naruto from his grip of death and proceeded to do some dumb ass form of manly bonding or shit with his long lost student. Which was about the time when both Kakashi and Naruto finally realized that the fucker was mute for some reason or another.

Kakashi then tried to placate him by saying that Minato nearly hugged him to death out of….. _love_. Naruto shuddered. Love was for whiny ass people who were too brainless and dependent on others to know how to hold chopsticks by themselves without looking like complete idiots.

That and Naruto was pretty sure as hell that hugging someone till they practically passed out wasn't love.

It was attempted homicide.

Clearly.

Not that his bastard of a teacher believed him even after Naruto loudly and quite venomously tried to clarify.

Asshole.

Then, there was the other problem.

Sasuke.

Apparently duck-ass-for-hair-emo-king came to the conclusion that the Jolly Farm of Sound wasn't what he thought it would be. The moron got his angst filled ass the hell out of there when his wannabe pimp the Pedo-snake tried to sneak into his bed for the thirtieth time. Apparently that time the pedophile brought out the big guns, which included a variety of…toys…and a very powerful tranquilizer provided by the ever so helpful Kabuto.

This all of course, was the reason why he was sitting in the Hokage's office, shifting uncomfortably because of the intense stares from both emo-king who was to his right and his fresh out of the grave father on his left while blocking out the droning voice of Konohagakure's beloved fifth Hokage who seemed to have suddenly stopped talking.

"-ing, so do you understand why you're here now Naruto?" Said the not-so-old-looking-but-still-old hag. His answer was a blank stare.

She twitched violently then sighed and rubbed her temples, shooting a mournful look at her empty sake cup.

Narrowing her eyes, she turned toward the entrance.

"SHIZUNE! Where the hell is my damn Sake!?"

"Coming Lady Tsunade!" Came the frazzled yet muffled reply through the door. Tsunade then turned her evil she-beast gaze at him.

"They're both staying with you, you little shit!" She snapped, hand trembling as if wanting to crush something. Which also wasn't too surprising for Naruto due to her violent drunk induced episodes, which happened more often then anyone should be comfortable with. He stiffened when what she said finally sunk in.

“Hold the fuck up,” He snapped, standing up abruptly, “is nobody going to explain why _he_ ,” Here Naruto rudely pointed to the 4th Hokage, “is alive and kicking? And what the fuck do you mean they’re staying with me?”

“Because I fucking said so brat!” She shouted, completely ignoring his previous question.

A low warning growl from his father had Tsunade looking at him calculatedly. Minato scowled at her then, for the seventh time, grabbed his hand and started stroking it lovingly. Naruto quickly snatched his hand back and snarled. The older man just cooed and shot him an adoring smile.

His lips curled in disdain.

If he hasn't said it yet, then he was going to say it now.

His father was a fucking crazy, mute, overly attached motherfucker.

Literally.

Like to that degree that could rip a wormhole through time and space due to the absurdity of it.

Sane people do not shove food down their long lost child's throat to the point of choking when said child is sleeping, nor do they kick said child out a fucking window, or hug the child near the point of brain damage due to a lack of oxygen.

So, Naruto being the kind and gentle young man he was, decided to speak words of encouragement to his beloved 'papa' just to let him know how much he appreciated him.

"Go fuck a tree,” he deadpanned.

"Naruto!" Tsunade hissed, but alas her reprimand was not needed, his father only smiled at him tenderly.

"He's insane." Naruto told her, rolling his eyes.

Naruto then sat back and admired the tic that he caused the older woman to have on her upper left forehead. It was quite the marvelous sight. He briefly wondered if he could get away with a photo.

Tsunade was now breathing in deeply and he smirked at how her fingers would spasm at three-second intervals. Oh, the joy of being a nuisance to society!

"Brat," She growled, interrupting his inner musings," why don't you try spending seventeen years in the stomach of the Shinigami? Then we'll see how sane you'll turn out." She looked at the older blonde man with a pitying expression. Of course the man didn't notice because he was still gazing at Naruto with a look of longing. "It only makes sense that Minato would turn out the way he is."

Naruto only sighed then glanced at the emo bird that was still staring at him with an unnerving rapey expression.

"What about him?" He asked uncaringly while pointing at Sasuke.

"Shouldn't he be confined or something?" Tsunade grimaced and shifted in her seat.

"As much as I hate to say this, he's only here because the fuckhead wants your man babies and promised to not cause any problems as long as he was in your presence…the fucker killed everyone else…" She grumbled.

Naruto twitched.

Minato then grabbed Naruto's hand again but this time he gave Sasuke a suspicious glare. Sasuke, who finally stopped gazing at him unblinkingly, gave Minato a vicious glower in return. Minato tightened his grip on Naruto's hand and sneered at the dark haired man.

Tsunade was amused, Sasuke was jealous, Minato was possessive, Shizune was having trouble finding the damn stash of sake she had purposely hidden from Tsunade, and Naruto was really, really pissed.

"Well get the hell out of my office you rude little brat!" Tsunade snapped, looking all too pleased with herself. Naruto swore he would change that smug look on her face. He gave her a sour look before stomping out of the office, the other two men trailing behind.

* * *

 

Naruto was sure that somewhere out in the farthest reaches of the universe, some deity or higher power was laughing their ass off at his misfortune.

He felt utterly humiliated while walking down the main street of Konoha.

The older blond menace refused to let go of his arm, and was amicably waving to passerby’s who in turn gaped stupidly at him in return.

That was probably the only upside to his embarrassment.

The unflattering looks of utter shock on the faces of the villagers almost made him feel okay about his situation…almost.

Then there was also the fact that Duck-ass-for-hair was acting like a bloody guard dog and was snarling in his silent evil Uchiha way at anyone that came within five feet of him. Of course he went back to his obsessive staring once he was done giving the evil eye to whomever was unfortunate enough to stray too close to him.

It was too bad the boy couldn't get the leech of a father off his now numb arm. He could almost imagine both of his…wards…in a complete free for all.

Naruto chuckled at the mental image of Sasuke lunging at Minato while frothing at the mouth and Minato launching himself at the other with a primal growl.

His amusing thought process was abruptly cut off when he felt hands tightening around his arm. He glanced questionably at the older man beside him, fleetingly eyeing the hands around his persons with a bit of irritation. He swore that if that attitude continued, he would personally do... something... to the older man.

The blonde wasn't quite sure on what it was yet but it would be traumatizing... and painful.

Minato smiled at him warmly and caressed his whiskered cheek. Naruto jerked away from the man and quickly decked him in the stomach, watching with malicious amusement as he kneeled over gasping.

That wasn't quite what he had in mind, but it would do for now. The bastard deserved it for kicking him out of his fucking window earlier.

He ignored the wounded look on the ex-Hokage's face and sauntered off in dark satisfaction. Naruto grinned and relished the shouts of outrage from some of the villagers nearby. They wouldn't dare go near him. After all, who would attack him while the emotionally impaired Uchiha practically set anyone too close to him on fire with his Death Glare of Doom™.

He would deal with this, he decided, paying no heed to the older blonde that hastily caught up with him and the Uchiha.

He survived this far while the world tried to push him down. There was no way the two following him could make his life worse…right?

* * *

 

Elsewhere in some hidden location, a lone figure was crouched in front of an Alter.

"Soon my Naruto-kun." The worshipful voice murmured, trailing their finger along the picture of the blonde that had been placed on the Alter.

The person grinned widely, placing a kiss on the face in the photo. The lights from the candles nearby flickered ominously in the small room.

"Soon…"

* * *

 

"So what you're telling me that Lady Hokage is letting a traitor and a questionably sane ex-Hokage live with Naruto?" Came a dangerous whisper, the brown haired man who spoke growled, clutching the edge of the table in front of him tightly.

The wood creaked ominously.

Some civilian patrons of Amaguriama glanced at the man fearfully. The silver haired Jounin across from him rubbed the back of his head nervously, smiling his one eyed smile apprehensively.

"Kakashi?" The scarred man questioned softly.

"Yes Iruka?" The masked Ninja replied cautiously, eyeing the Chuunin as if he were a dangerous creature. Iruka breathed out slowly then picked up his forgotten dango and viciously took a bite out of it.

Kakashi winced at the display of anger and couldn't help but vaguely wonder if he should have told his boyfriend the news at his home instead of a crowded restaurant. The Chuunin put the dango down on the plate then abruptly stood, his face set with grim determination.

"We're going to visit Naruto," Iruka said smiling, eyes glinting dangerously," after all, it's been awhile right?"

"We?" Kakashi questioned, not liking where this was going.

"Yes!" Iruka snapped, turning on his heels, quickly leaving the eating establishment. Kakashi soon followed his lover with a sigh, rolling his eye at Iruka who was stomping ahead of him while questioning the judgment of the Hokage under his breath.

He should have just let the man find out on his own. Kakashi pulled out his Icha Icha Paradise and shrugged. What was done was done.

* * *

 

"Alright, so I'll be back in about an hour," Naruto said, shifting through his Gama-Chan.

"I trust you won't destroy my home?" He stopped what he was doing and stared at the two men who were sitting on his old lumpy couch.

He needed to buy food in order to cook for the freeloading asswipes who took no time making themselves comfortable. Naruto glared at them in front of him.

"I only need to buy a few groceries so don't ruin my damn apartment, got it?" Minato nodded enthusiastically while Sasuke continued his….staring.

It was actually really starting to creep him out.

Naruto eyed them suspiciously, huffed, grabbed Gama-Chan, and walked out the door.

He didn't trust them as far as he could throw them but he would castrate the two if anything was so much as scratched.

'Yep,' he thought to himself, 'if anything happens, they will rue the day they were born.'

* * *

 

The market place was packed as usual and he distantly wondered about his friends as he went from stall to stall, getting what he needed.

He was in no way looking forward to introducing Sai.

His penis comments might give Minato an aneurism.

Team Gai was safe…somewhat. 'Actually,' he thought amused, 'everyone but Sai is safe.' He chuckled.

Naruto then started walking home, carrying his grocery bags. He smiled in bliss at the thought of eating those yummy noodles that were nestled in the bags he was holding. Oh how he loved Ramen. His beautiful and perfect Ramen with its succulent noodles and broth that must of originally been created by the Gods.

The blonde swiftly snapped himself out of his daze when he realized that a lot of people were running away in hysteria from the direction he was heading. Hell, he was pretty sure he even saw Mrs. Kubetsu booking it away from the direction of his home.

He felt a sinking sensation in his stomach.

He bit his bottom lip and silently prayed it was nothing horrible.

Naruto quickened his pace dodging random citizens then finally turned at a corner that would bring his home into view.

He froze and felt the bags he was holding slip to the ground.

His entire apartment building was on fire.


	2. In which Naruto needs a vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Well I'm not outrageously rich….or insanely creative…..so I guess I don't own Naruto….
> 
> Warnings: This story contains some violence, swearing, cynical if not homicidal!Naruto, pervy!creeper!Sasuke, possessive!Minato, fox abuse, pervy!SCS, my failed attempts at humor, my experimenting with character perspective, bad grammar, and maybe smut in the near future. Like super near.

"You bitch! I know you did it!"

Tsunade ground her teeth together; pure death in her eyes and Shizune shuddered from her spot in the corner.

Naruto, however, paid her no mind and continued belting out his accusations.

"You thought is was so damn funny that you had to conspire with these two cum sucking pieces of rat shit so that you could laugh at my misery!"

…Never mind the fact that Tsunade wouldn't have had anything to do with his apartment burning down because she probably had more important things to do like gamble, drink, and bitch slap whiny politicians with inhuman strength, so he just continued on.

" _Oh! I know what we should do_!" He said in a high mocking tone, " _Lets burn down stupid Naruto's apartment because he will probably cry like a pathetic sniveling little asshole! It’s not like anybody cared about that piece of shit apartment building anyway-_ “

"Uzumaki…" she trailed off warningly.

" _-I don't care that it would make me an old monstrous bitc-_ " He never got to finish because with a cry of fury Tsunade appeared right in front of him and punched him with enough force to make him go through the wall which caused an enormous crash and dust to quickly gather in the room.

All was silent until Minato scrambled up from his chair and dove through the hole in the wall with a frantic shriek. Sasuke blinked at the hole before 'Hnning' and impassively looking at Tsunade's twitching form.

Meanwhile, Tsunade couldn't help but wonder where the little shit got his foul mouthed, sarcastic attitude because it sure as hell wasn't from her. She breathed in deeply, coughing a little at the dust, then calmly sat herself back in her comfy swivel chair and waited for the two blond males to make their way back into her office.

The secretary/ANBU poked his head through the wall from the hallway and surveyed the room in disinterest.

“I’ll go ahead and make another appointment with Umi’s Home Repair shop,” He muttered before walking off while mumbling under his breath.

Sasuke looked to Tsunade and raised an eyebrow. She narrowed her eyes in return and kept silent.

* * *

 

"So before the brat had his bitch fit," Tsunade started calmly, ignoring the fierce glare from the bandaged Naruto who was unhappily sitting in his father's lap, "-we need to discuss whether or not there was anything or anyone suspicious near the apartment complex. After a discussion with the apartment owner and the building and safety division, we found there was nothing wrong with the apartment itself."

Naruto snorted derisively, "How do you know they were telling the truth? They hate me."

Minato tightened his grip on his son, seeming oblivious to the angered hiss from Naruto, and frowned darkly. Tsunade on the other hand squashed any feeling of remorse and gave Naruto a shark like smile.

"I…personally…interviewed them and made sure they understood the consequences of _lying_ to me."

Naruto gave her an uneasy look before continuing slowly, "I don't personally remember anyone suspicious looking hanging around, then again I don't usually pay attention to the people who live near me because of how close it is to the Red Light district…"

Tsunade sighed as if she was expecting that response and thoughtfully took a sip of her sake.

"I suppose I will have the matter investigated," she said, though in a tone that didn't expect much information on the matter, "in the meantime, I guess you three can stay in one of the safe houses used for members of the Hokage's families. It would be undoubtedly safer and it’s not like I’m fucking using it."

Sasuke and Minato didn't seem to mind or care while the younger blond grumpily agreed due to not having any other place to go to.

* * *

 

The house wasn't actually that bad when you saw it from an outside point of view. It was deeply hidden in the forested area by the Western gate and had sunlight that filtered through the thick leaves of the canopy that gave it an almost warm homey glow. It was definitely something he wasn't used to and had him subconsciously rubbing his chest from the strange tingling sensation that seemed to come out of nowhere. It must have been indigestion or something.

Minato, of course, quickly ruined all and any deep thoughts inspired by the outdoor décor when he immediately latched onto Naruto and held him uncomfortably close. Naruto huffed in irritation.

Sasuke was still acting all creeper like and was staring at Naruto with the intensity of a cat in heat which had him shuddering every time the bastard came into his field of vision.

He knew someone couldn't escape with their sanity intact from a freak like Orochimaru.

Naruto shuddered once more at the thought and grimaced when Minato's hold tightened and was pressed closer to the older man.

Naruto had found that his all encompassing rage was at a constant simmer whenever he was around the two sorry excuses for humans.

It really wasn’t good for his stress levels, like, at all. He was honestly half worried he would wake up and find his beautiful face covered in stress pimples or some shit.

Naruto’s nose scrunched up when his mind not so helpfully provided the memory of Lee’s pimple infested face while he went through his freakishly fast three weeks of puberty. That was a traumatizing time for all involved and never ceased to cause innumerable amounts of mental anguish whenever brought up.

He thanked God everyday that Kurama was a vain piece of shit that demanded flawlessness from his physical vessel and completely obliterated any physical blemish like five years before it would ever happen.

Anyways, he had to put up with those two morons whether he liked it or not. It wasn't like they were a figment of his imagination (he already accidently knocked himself out with one of Sai's paintings trying to prove that) so he grudgingly went back to studying the home that would be theirs.

It was an okay looking home, he mused to himself, though nothing compared to his beloved apartment (he deliberately ignored the frequent bouts of no electricity, constant cold water, and the a rat infestation).

"Well," he said, struggling weakly against the older blonde's tight grip, "don't you two think you both should actually go inside instead of gawking at it like idiots?" They both turned to him, Minato with a bright smile and Sasuke with a blank expressionless look. The dark haired asshole then sedately walked in while the ex-Hokage skipped to the flower bed near the entrance, _still_ pulling him along like a ragdoll, then proceeded to pluck out the most grotesque and nauseating bright fluorescent **pink** Cerise in the flower bed and tucked it behind Naruto’s ear.

After manhandling his fucking head.

This was going to suck.

* * *

 

Random pedestrians quickly dove out of the way and ran screaming in absolute terror as a hysterical Iruka tore a path of destruction through the debris of Naruto's burnt down apartment building. The brown haired man frantically searched through the blackened wood beams and plaster for the young Kyuubi vessel with the single mindedness of a crack whore looking for a pick-me-up.

"Where is he?" Iruka wailed in desperation, nearly pulling out his hair. He swiftly dove back into the debris and threw the giant beams over his shoulder with inhuman strength that had random pedestrians screaming and frantically trying to evade them from behind. Kakashi sighed from the side of the wreckage and only looked on with boredom. He knew for a fact that Naruto was no way idiotic enough to get caught in a burning building.

Just getting a little injured in a civilian fire for a shinobi would mean being the brunt of all the jokes in all the gossip circles in Konoha. Everyone would somehow find out and the person who got injured would pretty much be blacklisted from all the shinobi frequented bars and hangouts.

A shinobi was prepared to bleed and die for their nation and to get hurt by a fire caused by something so little like a half plugged socket would be the ultimate humiliation for years to come. They would be the laughingstock of all the shinobi nations.

The sad part was that Kakashi wasn’t even exaggerating. It was completely possible after all it did happen to a poor soul from Iwagakure who eventually retired early due to being publically ostracized.

Yeah, it would be that bad.

"NARUTO!" Of course trying to explain this to a frenzied Iruka was like trying to tell a wall that it should change into a nice little household puppy.

It would be close to impossible to rationalize to Iruka while in this state so Kakashi simply let the man continue on his warpath.

"MOMMY'S HERE! NARUTO PLEASE COME OUT!"

Kakashi would ask Lady Tsunade about the whereabouts of his willful student when his lover calmed down.

"NAAAARRRUUUUTOOOOOOOOO!"

Which probably wouldn't be anytime soon.

* * *

 

Shino often pondered about the meaning of life, the economical impact of imports and exports, and societal inhibitions in his alone time, which sadly was quite frequent. But of all the things in the world that Shino constantly thought about, there was one thing that never ceased to completely stump him.

It simply baffled him when people he grew up with, bled with, ate with, and quite frankly bathed with, forgot about him. He couldn't fathom it. His own team was prone to forgetfulness when he attempted to inject his opinion.

There were even times where he would attempt to contribute to the conversation and they would just blankly stare at him for minutes at a time until the familiar spark of recognition ignited in their eyes and they would smile at him or nod absently before they were back to discussing what was previously said as if nothing happened.

The man sulkily dragged his feet as he made his way through an empty pathway in the forest.

It infuriated him to be honest. Was there some sort of disease that caused most of his precious people to completely erase his existence from their minds? It was bad enough that his own teammates did it, but many of the Rookie Nine did as well.

 _The worst person though_ , he mused, _was Naruto_.

At least the other Konoha 12 recognized him for weeks at a time. With Uzumaki it was as if seconds into the conversation a little invisible foul mouthed squirrel whispered all sorts of accusations and unspeakable things into the blonde's mind that caused him to go off on Shino with a rage only women seemed to have when catching a peeper. In fact, Uzumaki went off on him the other day…

* * *

 

**_A few weeks prior_ **

" _-so that's why Magicicada tredecula have a 17 year form and a 13 year form." Shino finished off with silent glee. It wasn't often people asked questions about his insects (People got panicky when he attempted to enlighten them about his wonderful friends. Especially when he tried to educate them by visual means for some odd reason) taken, the young Kyuubi vessel didn't necessarily ask a specific question about his insects ("OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??") but being the ever informative friend he was, Shino decided to share with the blond._

_Shino patiently waited for a response from the shifty eyed male._

_Naruto, in his suspiciously plain clothing, glanced around the suddenly empty food court with panicky eyes. He fearfully looked at Shino and noticeably gulped._

_"Look man! I don't want any trouble Ok?" the blue-eyed boy said quickly. "I was just walking along minding my own business when I accidently bumped into you! Just-” he started nervously before clearing his throat, "-just please don't kidnap me Mr. Pedophile!" He finally cried out, stepping backwards fearfully._

_Shino was aghast. He looked at Naruto, incredulous, yet the blonde didn't seem to notice as he rambled on pleadingly for his virtue._

_"-and I swear that one time at the bath house didn't count 'cause Jiraiya was ther-"_

_"Naru-" Shino tried to interrupt._

_"-orphanage lady said I was a bad boy but I didn't do any thing! She was out to get me ju-"_

_"Na-" He tried again, this time with irritation leaking into his normal monotone._

_"-ruka calls himself my mommy so if you try to do naughty things to me he's going to castrate you with a rusty spoon just like he told those old guys who tried to get me to play strip poker with them on my ninth birthd-"_

_"_ _NARUTO!" He finally shouted, panting heavily. Naruto froze. Both stared at each other for a few minutes in eerie silence._

_"I am Shino…" He ground out, staring at the blond as if trying to telepathically force the blond into remembering him._

_"…"_

_"…"_

_Naruto stared at him uncomprehendingly for a few more seconds before his face comically morphed into one of recognition. He suddenly laughed obnoxiously and gave Shino a wide grin._

_"Oh Hey you're bug boy!"_

_Shino sighed in dejection not thinking the blond would ever truly remember him since they seemed to have the same exact conversation every time they spoke. It didn't even matter that he recently spoke to him yesterday._

_With a forceful pat to Shino's back Naruto laughed again before giving him a look that Shino instantly recognized and dreaded._

_"You should really think about not wearing that creepy ass trench coat 'cause I swear to God I thought you were one of those child kidnappers that sold cutesy looking brats to underground slave rings in Kumogakure, not that I’m a child even though I am pretty fucking cute-"_

_Naruto then proceeded to cheerily inform Shino about the telling signs of 'Stranger Danger' and the precautions that are taken in most countries to prevent it._

_Again._

_All the while one thought echoed in the young Aburame's mind._

_'_ _I hate my life.'_

 

* * *

 

Was Uzumaki so absentminded that he truly forgot him so often? Or anyone for that matter? Shino visibly drooped and kicked a stone, aggressiveness seeping into the innocent action. He just wanted people to remember him for once.

Was that too much to ask for?

It wasn't moments after that thought that it suddenly dawned on him. ' _Perhaps it is_ _me? That it is us as Aburames’_?' he thought with mounting dismay, ' _We do not actively socialize with the present population as often as the average human does thus our social skills are at such a deplorable level that the masses instinctively shy away due to the unnaturalness we most likely exude and they, in turn, sense._ '

He froze and wondered if he just solved all his clan's social problems.

Slowly, so very slowly, a grin crept onto his face that would no doubt cause massive trauma to children everywhere should they ever happen to glance upon it.

' _I must tell my clansmen!_ ' he thought frenziedly, and with that, Shino swiftly took off to rouse his family into a social revolution that would be the talk of Konoha for decades to come.

* * *

 

He was very warm.

While that wasn't all too unusual, he was used to waking up to a chilling draft and a face full of sunshine that inspired in him thoughts of homicide.

This warmth though, was very pleasant and soothed the craziness that was all last week and made him want draw closer in and its lulling rising and falling movements.

He squirmed slightly when what felt like a solid gentle warmth trail along the curve of his back.

It was at that point that sleepiness ebbed away and he started to remember that he did not, in fact, sleep with _anything_ that exuded warmth, moved, and most certainly did not _**touch**_.

He stilled and the fingers, because they were fingers he slowly and angrily realized, stilled as well. He frowned and immediately his mind automatically went to Minato, his grabby hands, and his irritating mission to sneak into his bed in the middle of the night to _cuddle_.

He really, _really_ , didn't want to open his eyes but he knew that unless he could spontaneously bend the very fabric of time and rip open interdimensional wormholes to escape through, he had to face reality and put his big boy panties on.

Not that he wore panties.

Often that is.

With reluctance he slowly opened his eyes, ready to deck his loving ' _father_ ' in his insufferable face when two black bottomless pools met his own cerulean gaze and shock caused him to momentarily freeze.

It wasn't until he felt fingers dip under the hem on the back of his pajama pants that he finally gained back his motor functions that he shrieked with wide eyes and scrambled back far enough to cause him to fall off the bed and back onto the wooden floor with a loud thud.

"YOU SON OF A BITC-“

A slamming door interrupted him and a frantic Minato stood at the doorway taking in the scene until his gaze finally landed on a nonchalant Sasuke lazily sprawled out on _Naruto’s_ fucking bed.

His face then morphed into something that Naruto only vaguely remembered seeing when Iruka walked in when he was about to go with his old landlord to try to find some candy in training ground forty-four on his seventh birthday.

He got a new landlord the next day.

So Naruto, having come to the conclusion that should whatever was happening continue, there would most likely be major property damage and they all would likely have to move…again.

He would so kick Sasuke’s ass later, that fucking perverted bed-stealing bastard.

He quickly thought about something to say that would defuse the situation, seeing that the tension in the room was becoming palpable and Sasuke was starting to look weary, before inspiration struck and he blurted out the first thing that came into mind.

"DADDY I WANT TO GO ON A PICNIC!"

Both men in the room stared at him, Sasuke in disbelief and Minato uncomprehendingly. That is until the blonde's mind processed what was said then he immediately squealed and tackled him and looked to be in nauseating rapture.

He didn't feel so alone when Sasuke even looked disgusted at the older man's display, even though Naruto was going to castrate him and feed him to Iruka for molesting him.

Naruto felt a headache coming on when he was quickly whisked downstairs and into the kitchen by the ex-Hokage where the man then attempted to unsuccessfully make sandwiches.

It was going to be one of those days.

* * *

 

Thirty minutes into the picnic that they unoriginally decided to do in their backyard and Naruto was ready to strangle someone. A certain someone named Minato. The man wouldn't stop trying to feed him blackened sandwiches that would surely painfully kill any poor soul who was desperate enough to consume it.

Sasuke was there as well, (uninvited though he was, Naruto thought viciously) even though it looked like it pained him to do so. It was probably the sunny, happy looking sky and the pleasantly green grass that caused his inner emo to shrivel up in agony.

That was beside the point.

Minato was trying to kill him through food poisoning and that was unacceptable!

Naruto briefly though about forcing the older man to eat the obviously toxic sandwiches. Maybe if he was lucky Minato would die again.

For good this time.

Or he might be a dumbass and think Naruto would miss him or shit and come back like the zombie that he was.

An obvious rustling sound from a bush to the left of them paused Naruto's inner monologue and the whole group stared at the still rustling bush.

Sasuke looked about ready to set it on fire with his gaze alone with how on edge he was due to the cheeriness of the world around him.

They watched somewhat impatiently, when suddenly a small form tumbled out of the bush.

' _A fox_ ,' Naruto thought with growing horror, ' _-a very, very familiar looking fox._ '

The **_thing_** blinked.

Then there that little shit was, innocently staring like all was right in the world.

"I can't believe it…" Naruto muttered, gaping at the fox sitting just a few feet away. He was absolutely stunned. He knew he looked like an idiot staring at the fox with his mouth wide open, but he couldn't help it.

"SCS." He grumbled, his shock slowly fading away into fury. Sasuke raised an eyebrow questionably.

"It's his name," Naruto explained while glaring loathingly at the fluff ball of evil," it stands for Stupid Cock Sucker."

Both men again stared at Naruto, then the innocent looking fox, then back to the blond.

Naruto manically started to cackle with a hint of hysteria tinged in.

He gave the fox a bloodthirsty grin before going into more detail.

"It all started nine months ago…"

* * *

 

_**Several months earlier** _

_"N-n-n-n-na-nar-naruto-k-kun?" Hinata stuttered with an extremely red face. The blonde in question gave her a questioning look. She had, after all, interrupted his training so whatever she was going to say was probably important. Maybe._

_"_ _I-I just w-w-want-wanted to say that I l-lo-lo-"_

_"_ _WHAT THE FUCK!" He shouted which caused her to faint._

_He paid her no mind because it seemed that out of nowhere, a little bastard fox managed to sneak behind him and proceeded to shamelessly hump his fucking leg._

_The little devil seemed to be enjoying itself to but Naruto viciously snatched the thing by the scruff of its neck and kicked it as hard as he could and evilly basked in its yelp of pain as it flew into the forest._

_He scowled and turned back to Hinata only to find her passed out on the floor. He nudged her with his foot and came to the conclusion that she wouldn't wake anytime soon. He shrugged then decided to make his way to Ichiraku in order to erase the past fifteen minutes from his mind. He briefly wondered what Hinata wanted to tell him before dismissing the thought._

_It probably wasn't that important anyway._

* * *

 

_**Later that Night** _

_There was something in his face. Something fluffy that made him want to sneeze. He vaguely realized that he didn't own anything fluffy so he blearily opened eyes then shot up and screamed. He threw the thing across the room and snatched up a kunai._

_"_ _Shut up!" came a muffled shout through his thin wall._

 _"Fuck you!" he shouted back before turning his attention back to the vermin that dazedly wobbled as it stood up._ _Those demonic little girl scouts would probably find that beast cute._ _He most definitely recognized it now though._

_It was the horny little fuck from the training grounds._

_"How the hell did you get in here you fucktard!" He hissed. It was then that he noticed his window cracked opened and frantically tried to figure out how it came in through his window when his apartment was three stories up._

_Then he almost smacked himself._

_He knew how it got here._

_It was obviously Kurama’s sick idea of payback. The bastard fox probably summoned the creature from whatever dark crevice in the bowels of hell it came from to torment him._

_Honestly, he mistakenly calls Kurama a big ass rabbit one time and suddenly Naruto’s on his shit list for the rest of his life._

_He tensed when the **it** stumbled its way toward him. The moonlight gave it an ominous look as it stared with its beady little eyes that caused Naruto to shudder. _

_He shot up grabbed the **it** then hurtled it out of his window and waited until he heard the sound of shattering glass, a pained screech, and the scream of a random citizen (he not so secretly hoped it was Mrs. Kubetsu). He grinned grimly then closed and locked his window latch. After he double-checked all the windows and doors in his apartment were locked he went back to bed. _

_Tomorrow he would put seals and traps on every opening in the apartment. There was no way the little bastard would be getting in after that._

* * *

 

_**Two days later** _

_Sometimes Naruto didn't know why he spent time with Sai._

_They were currently sitting by the park people watching so Sai could take notes and study human interactions so he could fake them later. Which Naruto thought was completely pointless. Why continue to fake it if everybody could tell you were? Plus the pale man never ceased to piss him off with his non-stop penis comments, and complete disregard for personal space._

_The man was insultingly blunt and even after all these years of putting up with him Naruto couldn’t understand how he had so much trouble understanding basic social norms._

_Gaara sure as hell understood more than Sai did and that most definitely said something. Especially since most of the time Gaara doesn’t know what the fuck is going on._

_Like ever._

_That and there was also the fact that Sai kept on trying to make Naruto pose naked for his paintings._

_Yeah._

_**No**. _

_"It’s not like you have something to hide…unless you really are dickless." Sai said as if reading his mind all while smiling with that cheerily fake smile._

_Naruto tried not to punch him in the face._

_Sakura got on to him enough about attacking teammates, even though she was prone to punching him when he upset her._

_Or if she was upset period._

_Of course it’s completely ok if she does it just not him. Hypocrite._

_"Hey dickless, that fox is staring at you while humping that tree," Sai said with a disturbing smile, like it was perfectly normal to talk about foxes humping tree-_

_Naruto froze._

_He slowly turned around and sure enough the it was there. Staring…right…at…him._

_It was indeed humping a tree._

_He trembled._

_Then…then he ran as if the hounds of hell were after him. Anything to get away from that evil **thing**. _

_Naruto was later found under Tsunade's desk and nobody could get him to tell them why he was hiding._

* * *

 

_**Four months later** _

_Every. Day._

_That monster showed up everywhere. Everywhere he turned he saw a flash of fur that gave him near heart attacks. His sleep was shot to hell, he twitched at the slightest of movements, and he swore he was hearing yips at every turn._

_He even named it. It was now SCS, a.k.a. Stupid Cock Sucker._

_He finally got a mission out of Konoha, after much groveling, to transport a scroll to Kumogakure with two unknown Jounin and while it was a huge breath of fresh air to be away from that beast, his mood went down the fucking toilet to shitsville because of faulty information so now he and the two Jounin were cornered in a minefield and the only way of escape was if someone took one for the team by setting off the field and blowing up into itty bitty pieces._

_The odds weren't looking too good._

_It was then that he heard a sound that should have been impossible and had him near spasming._ _He slowly glanced down and guess what he saw?_

_That **demon** , the **it** somehow followed him. Those familiar beady eyes stared at him like it was starving and Naruto was prime rib innocently sitting inches away from it._

_The Kyuubi-vessel completely ignored the Jounin behind him that were staring at the fox in confusion. They were probably trying to figure out how the sneaky little piss even got near them, since they were surrounded by explosives._

_Naruto twitched._

_He wanted that thing **gone**. _

_Slowly, a diabolical plan bloomed in his mind. He started to cackle and the Jounin and the fox looked at him wearily._

_"Gentlemen," Naruto said, grinning in malicious delight, "I do believe I know how to solve our little problem."_

_When all he received was vacant stares, he rolled his eyes and malevolently looked down at the fox._

_T_ _he **it** , as if understanding what was going on, tried to escape but Naruto snatched it up. _

_Naruto thought it was a rather poetic way to go._

_He took one last look at the beast that haunted him in his nightmares before smiling._

_Then he **threw**._

* * *

 

The men gave Naruto freaked out looks before glancing back to the (what must have been) immortal fox.

It yipped then pranced to Naruto before giving him an innocent and loving nip.Naruto saw its eyes though.

It looked as if it was ready to rape him.

It seemed that absence _does_ indeed make the heart grow fonder.

He wanted to scream.


	3. In which friends are sometimes Dumbasses

Naruto was hiding.  

Which actually hasn’t been all too uncommon these past few weeks.  

If he wasn’t hiding from that damned horny fox, then it was from his clingy as fuck father.  

No place was safe and, quite frankly, it was starting to _really_ fray his nerves. Hell, Naruto was now finding himself laughing hysterically at random times of the day; which was really annoying since he had to fend of the concern of the blond cockroach that hounded his every step.  

The only upside to this whole situation had to be that the bastard Uchiha hated the fox almost as much as Naruto did and actively tried to mutilate the little piece of shit.  

Just the other day SCS had somehow gotten into Naruto’s very well booby trapped room (again) and was almost immediately attacked by a big ass snake. He wasn’t too sure how the snake got into his room in the first place but he was willing to let bygones be bygones and live in peaceful coexistence if the snake continued to keep the damn fox at bay. The little shit unfortunately managed to escape and, having missed its meal, the snake tried to eat Minato instead. Which Naruto totally wouldn’t have had a problem with but Sasuke, the bastard, dispersed it from his perch on their kitchen counter.  

Which brought up another matter that Naruto wasn’t all too sure about.  

Sasuke liked to _perch_  on things. Like perch, as in bird like perch on a branch or water fountain perch. Except Sasuke perched on counters, sofa arms, and headboards and shit; which confused Naruto and made him wonder if Orochimaru actually taught Sasuke anything useful besides the whole ‘snake good, everything else not snake, bad’ thing. Which still didn’t really answer his question.  

Well Sasuke did have wings on his cursed seal form thingy, so maybe he was a bird/snake hybrid?  

That would actually explain the asshole’s staring problem.  

If Naruto wasn’t so busy hiding in Ino’s closet he would probably try to see if his theory held true.  

But he was busy.  

Very, very busy.  

So yeah.  

Maybe next time.      

* * *

 

 

Shikamaru was irritated.  

He was always the one that had to find and inform Neji of upcoming missions. Granted, it was because he was always the one to find him the quickest, but that was because Shikamaru actually used his brain and looked for him at the places he frequented on the days he frequented them. This was supposed to be a ninja village for God’s sake and these morons couldn’t figure out the very obvious pattern in all of Neji’s ‘special places’.  

God this was so troublesome.  

Shikamaru grumbled to himself as he made his way to the Hokage monument.  

He wouldn’t have to be doing this if Lee had kept his damn mouth shut. Neji used to be the only other sane one in their group before _it_  happened. Now Shikamaru was alone and was left to watch as the rest of his comrades made complete and utter fools of themselves. Shikamaru could still remember when all of them were normal.  

Except for Sasuke, he had always been a bit of a whiny little bitch. He could never understand how the rest of Team 7 put up with him.  

Whatever.  

Anyway, the Konoha 11 used to be perfectly normal but _Naruto_  just _had_  to have his little ‘revelation’ before he left for his training trip so instead of having his, his _whatever_ out in the forests or deserts of some far off country where it could disperse safely into the environment, he had it here. In Konoha. Where it was able to infect all of his friends and lead them down the road to madness. It seemed that one by one, every single one of his friends fell into idiocy after _The Fall_. Even Choji wasn’t immune and Shikamaru would swear up and down and on his ancestors’ graves that it was all Naruto’s fault.    

* * *

 

 **A few years Prior**  

 

_Shikamaru was concerned. Of course he didn’t outwardly show it, but still._

_Something was wrong with Naruto._

_After the failed rescue attempt for Sasuke, the rest of the Rookie Nine and Team Gai seemed to gravitate together and formed rather strong bonds that Shikamaru felt pretty proud of. So of course, having spent so much time with the blond, it was easy to tell something was bothering him._

_For one, Naruto was actually quiet._

_Which anybody with a brain could tell was unusual since Naruto’s default personality was loud and obnoxious._

_So Sakura, in an attempt to cheer up her teammate, forcefully invited the rest of the Konoha 11 to some favorite restaurant of hers to have a little get-together. Which didn’t make much sense to Shikamaru. If she was trying to cheer Naruto up then logically Ichiraku would be the better choice, but whatever._

_It was going pretty well too. Lee was challenging an uninterested Neji to a food eating contest, Ino and Sakura were talking to Hinata about something or another, Tenten was sharpening weapons on the table and making nearby civilians uncomfortable, Kiba and Akamaru were grossly demolishing the appetizers, Choji was munching on chips while staring at Kiba and Akamaru in awe, and ugh…..crap. Shikamaru always forgot his name. The Aburame._

_Shiho?_

_Shi, Shi – something._

_God damn it, whatever. It would come to him later._

_The Aburame wasn’t actually saying anything really. Or looking at anything._

_It was a bit hard to tell with the sunglasses._

_Shikamaru squinted at him._

_He wasn’t certain but the Aburame might have actually been asleep._

_Shikamaru was all for that, Shini or whatever his name was had a great idea, and Shikamaru was about to take a little nap himself but paused when he saw Naruto twitch almost violently._

_“You know what,” Naruto said, and after four days of silence, this caused the group around him to immediately halt whatever it was that they were doing and stare at him in surprise. After looking at Naruto, Shikamaru, for some reason, felt extremely uneasy._

_Naruto slowly stood up from his chair with a maniacal gleam in his eyes. The blond looked at all the people around him and grinned in an unnerving manner._

_“You know what,” He said again, this time louder, catching the attention of people tables away._

_“Fuck it!” He yelled gleefully, “Fuck this shitty restaurant, fuck the three minutes it takes for ramen to cook, fuck the color pink, sorry Sakura I fucking hate your hair color, fuck Sasuke, fuck the system, and fuck you!” Here he rudely pointed at some forgettable looking Chunin who Shikamaru had never seen before. The Chunin looked startled and looked around himself in confusion._

_“Fuck you too!” Naruto shouted delightedly, pointing at some random civilian who happened to barely walk in through the restaurant doors. He too, looked extremely confused._

_“I don’t care anymore so fuck all of you!” Naruto almost seemed to vibrate on the spot with all his excitement, “And for all you assholes that hate me, well I fucking hate you too!” He continued fervently._

_There was dead silence. Shikamaru and the rest of the people in the restaurant could only look on in shock as Naruto visibly calmed down, smiled serenely, as if some big weight was lifted from his shoulders, and sedately walked out of the building after giving everyone the one finger salute._

_The rest of the Konoha 11 blinked, trying to process what just happened and Sakura, who finally realized what Naruto just said, stood up and nearly threw the table in her rage._

_“Naruto!” She screeched, running after the blond with death in her eyes._

_Shikamaru yawned, glad that whatever it was that was bothering Naruto was over and done with._

_“What a bother,” He muttered, before laying his head on the table for a little nap._    

* * *

 

What a little fool he was to think that that would be the end of it.

Shikamaru snorted and lit a cigarette that he was sure he was going to desperately need for this encounter.  

Shikamaru finally made his way to the Hokage monument and started vertically walk up it. He tried to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to face but he knew that it would be almost futile.  

Sure enough, as he drew nearer, he spotted the figure of the person he was looking for. Once he was close enough it took less than a second for him to understand just what he was witnessing.  

“God damn it Neji pull yourself together!” Shikamaru snapped, rubbing his temples to ward off a migraine he could feel building up and taking a deep drag of his cigarette to get some much needed nicotine in his system.  

Neji, who had been drunkenly kissing the giant stone spike of the second Hokage, blearily turned to look at Shikamaru, nearly rolling off of the monument in the process.  

Shikamaru twitched and narrowed his eyes at the drunk Hyuuga who seemed to be in a daze. Then Shikamaru almost dropped his cigarette as he realized something.  

“Is that – are you wearing a corset?” Shikamaru asked in disbelief.  

Neji tittered.  

“Sh- sh’ka yo’r here f’r meee,” Neji slurred happily, “ M’ on a date wi’ Tobi! Oh! Yo’r here! You thi’k m’ pretty an’ wan’ me tooo doncha?” Neji continued, focusing on Shikamaru and attempted to deepen his voice in some poor drunken attempt at coy.  

Neji giggled and pawed at the stone near Shikamaru’s feet.  

Shikamaru was in no way paid enough to deal with this shit.  

“ ‘s ok sh’ka, yo’r good freeen but I looof Hashi, an’ Tobi, an’ Miiina mooore,” Here Neji almost seem to writhe against the stone, much to Shikamaru’s disgust.  

It was a well-known fact that Neji had an unhealthy obsession with the first, second, and fourth Hokages’. Once Neji got alcohol in his system however, which was almost as often as Tsunade unfortunately, he acted like a wanton and cheap two-copper whore, much to the Hyuuga clan’s embarrassment.  

He was all too often arrested for indecent exposure and lewd acts with almost anything Hokage related. If Neji wasn’t so damn good on duty, Shikamaru was positive he would have been put away in some shinobi psych ward for all the shit he did off duty.  

Well Hinata didn’t  really mind Neji’s…sexual life. Actually she encouraged it, which never ceased to baffle pretty much the whole village. Shikamaru was actually willing to bet his next paycheck that the corset Neji was wearing was either a gift from Hinata, or Hinata’s herself.

He shook his head, focus. He needed to focus.  

“You need to report to the Hokage tomorrow-” Shikamaru twitched at Neji’s answering moan to the word Hokage, “Ugh whatever be there tomorrow!” He bit out.  

“If you aren’t there tomorrow it’s your own damn fault, I warned you!” Shikamaru glared at Neji then turned and walked away.  

“Sh’kaaa!” Neji whined, but Shikamaru kept walking.  

“ ‘s ok Tobi we c’n still haf our date, wh’re were we?” Shikamaru heard Neji murmur before he thankfully walked out of hearing distance.  

Talking to Neji was always a pain in the ass.  

He grimaced. Actually, talking to Neji always made him reaffirm his non-drinking lifestyle and made pretty much everyone willing to stay sober for the rest of the unforeseeable future.  

Except for the Hokage but she was in a whole other league of her own.  

God damned Hyuuga.    

__

* * *

 

Sakura was brave.  

She had grown into a fierce, powerful, and beautiful young woman and was no longer the naïve idiot fan girl of her youth. She was a well-respected kunoichi in Konoha due to her medical prowess and calm and friendly demeanor (sometimes).  

She had many civilians and shinobi alike look up to her as a role model and had supportive friends and family that loved her dearly no matter what her choices were.  

It was with those thoughts that she anxiously steeled herself as she approached the shady looking figure near the back of the smoky and quiet bar.

The person, who looked to be male from her quick calculative gaze, turned toward her and indeed the plain looking male eyed her speculatively as he calmly took a drag of the cigarette in his hand.  

“You here for the boss eh?” He drawled out lazily.  

She took in a quick breath and gave him a fierce glare.  

“Yes.”  

She hoped everyone would understand.    

* * *

 

Naruto wasn’t entirely certain, but he was pretty sure he’s been in Ino’s closet for more than half the day.  

He was getting bored.  

He was also getting hungry.  

If it was only one of those then he would be more than capable of ignoring it for a time but together…  

Well, let’s just say that Naruto was the reason for there being a law in Konoha that banned stores from selling flavored condoms and paprika within the same hour. Actually it was technically Sai’s fault if he was being honest but for some reason the citizens of Konoha believed Sai to be some precious angel in need of protection. What a bunch of bullshit.  

Naruto froze.  

Someone was in the room.  

He nervously eyed the small slit of light that shined from the bottom of the closet door.

He held his breath as a shadow drew near the closet. He silently prayed to whatever god was listening that the person outside the door was somehow Ino back early from her two-week mission she had left for three days ago.  

His nose twitched and Naruto blinked in confusion. There was a faint scent that he could almost swear was his beloved ramen but that was preposterous. Why would he smell ramen in Ino’s closet? Maybe it was like his life flashing before his eyes in like scent form or some shit? His mind was bringing up what made him happiest in order to ease him to his end?  

The figure moved closer and Naruto could feel himself begin to sweat in anxiousness.  

‘ _Please God don’t be the blond cockroach or that Stupid Cock Sucker_ ’ Naruto prayed, ‘ _Or that perverted emotionless sack of shit,_ ’ He continued after a moment of thought.  

‘ _Or Sai because fuck Sai_ ,’ He added. Naruto shuddered at the thought of that eerie obviously fake smile aimed at him.  

The door was yanked open and Naruto squealed, raising his arms to protect his beautiful face. When he wasn’t immediately physically molested, Naruto peaked around his arms then almost sobbed in relief when he realized who was standing at the door.  

“Gaara!” He greeted happily from his seated position on the closet floor. Gaara looked at Naruto, non-eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly in obvious Gaara-like confusion.  

“You are in a closet,” he stated in his usual monotone.  

“I’m hiding,” Naruto grudgingly said. Gaara cocked his head slightly and stared his friend in the eyes for a few seconds.  

“From whom?” He asked after his brief silence, patiently looking down at Naruto.  

“People.”  

Gaara slowly blinked.  

Naruto fidgeted and was beginning to feel a bit awkward as the silence continued. Gaara on the other hand seemed quite comfortable. Naruto’s gaze flickered around Gaara and into Ino’s room where he spotted a very, very familiar take-out bag at the foot of a dresser.  

“Ramen?” Naruto whispered questioningly, looking to Gaara in adoration. His stomach rumbled and Naruto almost cried when Gaara nodded and retrieved the bag.  

“You like ramen,” Gaara stated. He then walked into the closet, closed the door behind him, sat next to him and placed the bag in Naruto’s lap.  

“Uh Gaara?” Naruto trailed off, feeling a bit like an idiot since he was sitting in a dark closet with the Kazekage with a bag of takeout. Sure Gaara was his friend but it was a bit unusual and he was sure that some people would comment on it. Some people named fucking Sai, yeah, that fucker was definitely going to say shit if he found out about this.  

“I came to see my friend,” Gaara told Naruto, then went silent and stared at him complacently. Was Gaara capable of seeing in the dark or something? Because Naruto could barely make him out yet Gaara seemed to have no difficulty. Was Kurama skimping out on him or something?  

He probably was.  

Fucking demented rabbit.  

“So uh, how did you find me?” Naruto asked awkwardly while patting his bag of take out, trying to find the opening.  

“Your Sensei.”  

Naruto squinted at Gaara’s vague outline in utter bewilderment.  

“How the fuck did Kakashi know I was in Ino’s closet?” Naruto questioned in disbelief.  

“His summons,” Gaara answered.  

Kakashi had his mutts stalking him? Seriously what the fuck?  

Naruto grumbled to himself, breaking apart his chopsticks and shoving them in the general direction of his bowl.  

He purposely used the scent masking soap earlier and ran around Konoha like a madman and leaving fake scent trails just in case it didn’t work, before finally hunkering down in Ino’s closet.  

That means those damned dogs were following him since he got up.  

After nearly stabbing himself in the eye with chopsticks full of ramen, Naruto nearly had a heart attack when Gaara suddenly scooted like right next to him. Like full on thigh-to-thigh contact.  

“Gaara what are you doing?” Naruto squeaked, incapable of leaning away since he was already in a corner.  

“Temari said that friends often engage in physical contact,” He told Naruto, sounding very focused. Gaara then stiltedly tapped on Naruto’s knee.  

Kami.  

For a second there, Naruto thought he was going to have to fight for his maidenhood again.  

Or manhood.  

Whatever.  

“Honestly Gaara, how the fuck did you ever become a Kage?” Naruto asked, exasperated. Gaara looked at Naruto very seriously and paused for a moment, he then opened his mouth to answer but Naruto quickly covered his mouth.  

“It was a rhetorical question,” Naruto said dryly. Gaara slowly blinked then somberly nodded. Naruto sighed then patted his friend on the shoulder.    

It was going to be a long night.


End file.
